Sunday, October 29, 2006

Reports of my Death have been Exaggerated

Some of you may have heard what happened, most of you not, but I'm just gonna put this up so as to avoid any confusion - yesterday at about 6 am I woke up with chest pain and I couldn't breathe. I paniced around my room for a few minutes, then I had Mike drive me over to the Emergency Room. After about 6 hours in the ER, They told me that I was NOT having a heart attack, but that there was so much pressure on my chest that my ribs and muscles and whatnot had started to actually move, and that was the pressue I was feeling. My discharge intructions simply read "Do Not Smoke. Lose Weight."

Considering that I just plowed right past the first warning sign (diabetes) without so much as a glance, I think I'm gonna actually try and follow my doctor's advice this time. And hell, this way I won't even be wasting that $20 a month I pay to the gym. Anyway, I had a close call, and a wake-up call. I'm not the sort of person to take many things very seriously, but this time I'm gonna do my best to stay alive for a while longer.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Relationships & Honesty

I just watched the film "The Last Kiss," while I crashed down from a 36-hour caffiene high brought on by too many hours at Blockbuster and Ritters. The movie was excellently produced, acted, directed, written - but it scared the hell out of me. It's about how honesty is the most important thing in a relationship - because the guy decided to "spare" his girlfriend a headache by glossing over some of the issues he was going through, he eventually ended up having an affair with this other girl - she found out, and no matter how much he apologized or begged, it couldn't change what he had done. it totally sucked. His girlfriend's father went over to talk to him about what the hell he was thinking, and the guy went on about how he knew now that it could never happen again, and the affair had only made him realize he could never love anyone but his girlfriend, etc, etc, all probably true points.... Then the father said the best line in the movie:

"It doesn't matter how you feel. Your feelings only ever matter to you. What matters to everyone else is what you do - what you do to the people you claim to love."

God that's scary. I've always treasured my feelings, and it never occured to me that other people don't treasure my feelings quite as much as I do. Like how when you liked that girl in 3rd grade you showed her by pulling her hair and teasing her, and then were baffled when she got all pissed off. I guess the moral of the story is that if you feel somthing, you shouldn't hesitate and keep it a secret - you need to demonstrate how you feel by the things you say and the way you act.

But somehow, whenever I think I'm ready to take that plunge, my cell phone ends up right back in my pocket.

Is it because I'm afraid of the repercussions of the little happy truth of now, or the potentially big and ugly truths down the road? That's the question I need to answer before my life moves forward any further. God give me the courage to be unflinchingly honest when it really counts.

All I know is, I can't stay stagnant like this much longer. Another year of the rat race - another year of cracking the same stale jokes, following the same damn routine - another year alone in Allentown will kill me.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Check out my song!

A song I wrote from the indie film "The Perfection Across 23rd Street" has generated enough buzz that it's going to be the Classical Track of the Day on this Friday, September 8th. It's the main love theme from the movie, a short but sweet instrumental piece with Piano and a String Quartet.

Please go show me some love and check it out (you don't need to be registered to listen to music, but if you are registered, or you feel like registering - it's free - please leave me some sweet sweet feedback).

Again, it will be up this Friday, the 8th.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Wedding Madness

I recently just attended my first wedding of peers (The Jesses wedding doesn't count, since I didn't really know anyone there except the couple). I've come back from Anna and Jon's wedding with thoughts that I'm surprised to find - I am really starting to feel older, despite my ongoing peter pan complex.

Love is a scary thing. If a million things hadn't happened just right, they wouldn't have ever met, let alone fall in love. In order for their story to work, so many other things had to transpire - friends relationships have risen and fallen, the original group where they met (Which I'm proud to be a part of) has gone through significant changes in the relationships between the various member, even in the last few months. Especially in the last few months. One of the reasons I'm so glad that this great couple got married is that I hope it will help to solidify the workings of our little family.

But how does it all work? How do you know when you've found that person? I've come to realize recently that the thing I fear more than anything is being with someone for convenience. I think that the fear of having a marraige with no love left in it has stopped me from continuing several relationships that I've ended for no real reason. And living in fear is just no way to live. Especially not fear of love. I could totally kick love's ass in a fair fight. Anyway, here's to the happy couple. I may not be joining you anytime soon, but I'm starting to understand why you people all do what you do.