I just watched the film "The Last Kiss," while I crashed down from a 36-hour caffiene high brought on by too many hours at Blockbuster and Ritters. The movie was excellently produced, acted, directed, written - but it scared the hell out of me. It's about how honesty is the most important thing in a relationship - because the guy decided to "spare" his girlfriend a headache by glossing over some of the issues he was going through, he eventually ended up having an affair with this other girl - she found out, and no matter how much he apologized or begged, it couldn't change what he had done. it totally sucked. His girlfriend's father went over to talk to him about what the hell he was thinking, and the guy went on about how he knew now that it could never happen again, and the affair had only made him realize he could never love anyone but his girlfriend, etc, etc, all probably true points.... Then the father said the best line in the movie:
"It doesn't matter how you feel. Your feelings only ever matter to you. What matters to everyone else is what you do - what you do to the people you claim to love."
God that's scary. I've always treasured my feelings, and it never occured to me that other people don't treasure my feelings quite as much as I do. Like how when you liked that girl in 3rd grade you showed her by pulling her hair and teasing her, and then were baffled when she got all pissed off. I guess the moral of the story is that if you feel somthing, you shouldn't hesitate and keep it a secret - you need to demonstrate how you feel by the things you say and the way you act.
But somehow, whenever I think I'm ready to take that plunge, my cell phone ends up right back in my pocket.
Is it because I'm afraid of the repercussions of the little happy truth of now, or the potentially big and ugly truths down the road? That's the question I need to answer before my life moves forward any further. God give me the courage to be unflinchingly honest when it really counts.
All I know is, I can't stay stagnant like this much longer. Another year of the rat race - another year of cracking the same stale jokes, following the same damn routine - another year alone in Allentown will kill me.